This one is for you Zhya!

For the past 3 months I have been sitting down to pen my thoughts on the overwhelming feeling that Zhya's name brings. And I just have not been able to. There's so much going on in my head and heart that I am unable to fathom it all, to say the least. Somewhere I am also trying not to believe in reason and reality.

And today, when I saw Z's mom on Facebook(FB), I got very emotional. I have never met her till date, but I did see her (for the first time) during Zhya's funeral and of course never had the guts to go meet her, anyway drowned as I was, in my own tears. And normally, I don't just connect to a friend's parent on FB (or any social networking site) unless I know that person really well, and here the connection was a good friend but still it was different. It's a sad irony that I have come to know Z's mom because of his passing away.

Z was one of the few people on my regular close friends mailing list. And so now, when I write and send the mails, I have to literally make a conscious effort to delete his name from the list. And once in a while when his name pops up in some stuff that I am searching in my email account, maybe discussed during our chats or the to and fro mails... I actually pause and go numb. Of course I cannot and will not ever delete his name from my contacts list!

And on FB/Orkut/ Linkedin or whatever groups we were on, when I see his smiling face come on the friends' box or the contacts list, I actually smile and plan to write or message him, and then realise he's not going to be reading it. But I still write on his FB wall once in a while, when it gets unbearable. And just a line saying that he was thought of... as he always is.

If it's so hard for me, I cannot imagine what it must be for closest friends and especially his family... every thing around must be reminding them of him. And if I am feeling it, they are more than ever living it.

And what is surprising, maybe to many others too, is that we were never really close in college. We were classmates, friendly enough- you could not but help being friends with him, he was such a nice guy.- but we belonged to different 'groups'. It was after college, when we both began our individual professions, me as a writer and he as a budding architect, was when we really got to know each other better. Later on, I even wrote about his first architecture building he had designed in Mumbai... and I was very proud and happy for him then.

He went to Harvard (too) for his further studies and then on, we were regularly in touch for a long time. In between he went underground and no one knew where he was or what he was doing, save a few... and surprisingly again, I happened to be one of those few he still was in touch and his college friends who were so close to him then were now asking me his whereabouts. Of course, Z was always like a burning light, and hard to keep down for long... and when he did resurface it was to a much better life in all ways.

But one that lasted for a very short while only.

Zhya Jacobs, brilliant architect, helpful colleague, intellectual advisor, great communicator and writer, warm,sweet and funny friend and a wonderful, sensitive human being passed away on Nov 11, 2008... It's been 3 months since and he's being missed- a lot...or perhaps not really so much if you still can believe he's around somewhere, looking at you. I do.

R.I.P

It's funny how a quiet sunday can make you more retro as well as introspective. Looking back is something I often do, it's an incurable habit. I think, dwell upon, think some more, reflect, wonder and try to understand... more often than not, understanding does not come easily...yet, I ponder...

This last year has been in extremes. Very high points which actually got more than minimalised by the lows. Of the good side, my brother's wedding was the highlight. It felt good having a new member in the family.

The downside though saw too many different dark facets of life. The recession and lack of work to begin with, then the horrifying terror attacks on my city Mumbai were some that affected us all. What touched me more was the passing away of two people I cared for a lot. One a very good friend and classmate through architecture college... a fabulous human being called Zhya Jacobs. Even after seeing him in his coffin, I am unable to believe that he's no more... it's as if any minute now his mail will come in my inbox and he'll tell me that he's coming to India (he was to for Christmas) we should meet as was decided.

The second person who I lost was the dad of my best friend. He was suffering from cancer, and having lost my own dad in the hands of the same disease, I felt as if I was reliving the anguish, pain, hope, wait, guilt and acceptance once more... And because my dad had gone, I used to always look up to uncle as that respected father figure... I doubt I have prayed for someone as much as I did for Uncle (except for dad), and when he passed away, I felt my prayers had fallen short or somewhere I didn't do enough...

Cancer has become a disease that we all need to watch out for even more. It's strange when I see my closest two friends- both of whom have lost a parent due to cancer, as I have. And there are so many others I have known who have lost their battle against it... I also know of other known friends and people who are also now suffering the same... young and old... and it's not easy for anyone- never has been.

For all of us who lost out on people and other things this year, for all of those who suffered, for this year that didn't go well for many, and for those gone forever... Rest In Peace.